Suddenly I See
So I'm taller now. Apparently.
A woman I work with commented this past week that since I've been losing weight, I look taller now. Actually, she meant to say that, but what she said was, 'you know, since you started losing weight, you're taller.' Really? A growth spurt at 41. Well, at least it's a vertical jump.
The thing is, she's right-at least as far as her meaning went. Since I'm narrower across, I've created an illusion of tallness I didn't have at my starting weight. I mean, I've lost 7 inches from my waist alone already-in fact, I'm happy to report that I appear to have an actual figure now, a curvy, feminine figure that resembles the hourglass of my long-term recollection more than the Weeble/cringing memory of the recent past. I am a smaller width, and that's what creates the illusion of my increased height.
It's true on another level too, since I carry myself differently now. I am tall, at 5'10" and I always prided myself on my posture. That vanished when I got heavy. I developed a slouch; so much so that my shoulders had begun to round and I stood shorter than I was. I didn't bother sucking my tummy in, even for health purposes. I abandoned the thrown-back shoulders of my youth for a more stooped, 'you can't see me' huddle, and I crouched everywhere. For over a year before I began my weight loss, I had tingling in my neck and across my shoulder blades from bending over, leaning over and generally trying to squash myself into a smaller space, so no one would notice me.
It was detrimental in many ways, not the least of which on my psyche. I couldn't stand up straight because I'd lost pride in my appearance and confidence in myself. That led to harsher views in my reflection, which led to poorer posture still. I'd long ago stopped looking at myself in the mirror. Oh, I'd fix my hair or brush my teeth; I did everything I needed to, to keep myself up-though barely, and the ache in my teeth reminds me that I am long, long overdue for a checkup. But that aside, I never made eye contact with my reflection. I never checked my appearance in the mirror for work or for dates, or even just to make sure my earrings matched and I had buttoned up my blouse completely. I couldn't bear what I saw, and so I stopped looking.
The other morning, about 3 pounds ago, when I was dancing around about having lost my son's body weight, I was fussing with my hair. I had slept on it wet, and there was this wild lock standing straight up off of my scalp. I was searching the cabinet for any kind of 'hold still, hair!' product, thinking as I knocked over bottles of Tums and vials of toothpaste that I could not remember the last time I'd even applied hair spray, let alone gel, mousse, or (gasp!) pommade. I found something promising, and, hoping that the 3-year gone expiration date would not mean the substance had turned toxic and would eat my hair and then bludgeon my scalp into flaked speedbumps, I snapped the cabinet shut and turned toward the mirror to apply said substance to my head. Quite by accident, I caught my own eye.
I realized at once that my jowls were vanishing from my chin line. My eyes looked bigger under my brows, and I had cheekbones again. My skin, clearer and cleaner now with the healthier foods feeding it, had a pinkish cast--a far and away improvement from the near-jaundice look it had adopted in pre-diet days. I turned my face to each side, my eyes following the lines in my neck and across my face as I stretched to keep contact with my reflection. And then, realizing that I was looking at myself-really, truly looking at myself for the first time in over 4 years, I smiled.
I'm a tall(er) girl who smiles. I'm pretty happy about that. Let Me-dom Ring.
PS-I weighed in this morning at 205.0 pounds, giving me a 3.5 pound loss this week and 46.0 pounds overall. For the first time in many, many years, I'm sorry that the weather is turning cooler and I have to switch from t-shirts to sweaters. But I can already tell that next spring is going to be awesome, and next summer, I might just go buy a two-piece swimsuit.
A the B(ikini's In Range)
A woman I work with commented this past week that since I've been losing weight, I look taller now. Actually, she meant to say that, but what she said was, 'you know, since you started losing weight, you're taller.' Really? A growth spurt at 41. Well, at least it's a vertical jump.
The thing is, she's right-at least as far as her meaning went. Since I'm narrower across, I've created an illusion of tallness I didn't have at my starting weight. I mean, I've lost 7 inches from my waist alone already-in fact, I'm happy to report that I appear to have an actual figure now, a curvy, feminine figure that resembles the hourglass of my long-term recollection more than the Weeble/cringing memory of the recent past. I am a smaller width, and that's what creates the illusion of my increased height.
It's true on another level too, since I carry myself differently now. I am tall, at 5'10" and I always prided myself on my posture. That vanished when I got heavy. I developed a slouch; so much so that my shoulders had begun to round and I stood shorter than I was. I didn't bother sucking my tummy in, even for health purposes. I abandoned the thrown-back shoulders of my youth for a more stooped, 'you can't see me' huddle, and I crouched everywhere. For over a year before I began my weight loss, I had tingling in my neck and across my shoulder blades from bending over, leaning over and generally trying to squash myself into a smaller space, so no one would notice me.
It was detrimental in many ways, not the least of which on my psyche. I couldn't stand up straight because I'd lost pride in my appearance and confidence in myself. That led to harsher views in my reflection, which led to poorer posture still. I'd long ago stopped looking at myself in the mirror. Oh, I'd fix my hair or brush my teeth; I did everything I needed to, to keep myself up-though barely, and the ache in my teeth reminds me that I am long, long overdue for a checkup. But that aside, I never made eye contact with my reflection. I never checked my appearance in the mirror for work or for dates, or even just to make sure my earrings matched and I had buttoned up my blouse completely. I couldn't bear what I saw, and so I stopped looking.
The other morning, about 3 pounds ago, when I was dancing around about having lost my son's body weight, I was fussing with my hair. I had slept on it wet, and there was this wild lock standing straight up off of my scalp. I was searching the cabinet for any kind of 'hold still, hair!' product, thinking as I knocked over bottles of Tums and vials of toothpaste that I could not remember the last time I'd even applied hair spray, let alone gel, mousse, or (gasp!) pommade. I found something promising, and, hoping that the 3-year gone expiration date would not mean the substance had turned toxic and would eat my hair and then bludgeon my scalp into flaked speedbumps, I snapped the cabinet shut and turned toward the mirror to apply said substance to my head. Quite by accident, I caught my own eye.
I realized at once that my jowls were vanishing from my chin line. My eyes looked bigger under my brows, and I had cheekbones again. My skin, clearer and cleaner now with the healthier foods feeding it, had a pinkish cast--a far and away improvement from the near-jaundice look it had adopted in pre-diet days. I turned my face to each side, my eyes following the lines in my neck and across my face as I stretched to keep contact with my reflection. And then, realizing that I was looking at myself-really, truly looking at myself for the first time in over 4 years, I smiled.
I'm a tall(er) girl who smiles. I'm pretty happy about that. Let Me-dom Ring.
PS-I weighed in this morning at 205.0 pounds, giving me a 3.5 pound loss this week and 46.0 pounds overall. For the first time in many, many years, I'm sorry that the weather is turning cooler and I have to switch from t-shirts to sweaters. But I can already tell that next spring is going to be awesome, and next summer, I might just go buy a two-piece swimsuit.
A the B(ikini's In Range)
posted by Former Fat Girl Gone Skinny | 6:48 PM
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