The Agony of The Treat

Wednesday

Weight: 156

Mood: stormy

I’m on Day 4 here, and I’m starting to think that this extra weight will stay with me. I managed to have a perfect day yesterday-not even a foray into the Snickers mini’s. That was tough, let me tell you. At about 3pm yesterday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk with my head in my hands, my hands in my hair, and my body rocking while I sang old gospel songs to distract myself. Oh, Lawdy, make this pain a-go away.

I’m pretty sure that the guy who sits in front of me thinks I’m a raving lunatic. It’s enough that I talk to myself all day long, grumbling about vendors, testing out presentation language and reading spreadsheets aloud, as if that will help me digest the data. But now I’m actually in a faux-fetal position in my chair, moaning and holding myself. Call the cops, Vinnie, She’s done gone to the Bad Place.

I’m telling you, sitting there and keeping myself from scavenging the empty offices with Known Candy Supplies was a physical pain. I don’t ever have to wonder whether I have a junk food addiction. If there had been a cigarette and a pay phone nearby, I would have been Meg Ryan in “When a Man Loves a Woman.” I even have the hairy-man equivalent of Andy Garcia at home to prove it.

Anyway, so I ground my way through ‘happy hour’, as it were, had a regular dinner and did not snack at all post-DS bed time, except for my standard popcorn, AND STILL there is no movement on the scale. I am telling you, when I get back down to 147, I am either going to strap bathroom scales to my shoes or never, ever get on a scale again. My ego is far too dependent upon That Number. I am a slave to Where the Needle Stands.

I’m still lying in bed at night, and it’s starting to catch up. I yawned my way through most of the afternoon. Lucky for me, there were no peanuts sticking to my fillings.

Thursday (Day 5)

Weight: 154.50

Mood: Amused Agitation

I really have no idea why I’m so stupid.

Yesterday, I’m blathering on about how the weight has stuck to me, and now this morning, half of it is gone. I had another great day yesterday, and that’s helped, I’m sure. But I didn’t make it to yoga class tonight, so I’m down on my exercise for the week. I really needed that class, too. I seem to be taking a long time to get out of post-PMS Trauma this month. I have to find a way to regulate myself. The weight comes off. It always does.

So the bulge is down today, and I definitely have a flatter ‘fit & finish’ now. I spent the day in Size 5s with a regular shirt (vs. the longer than life variety I’ve been wearing lately), and I did ok. I was hungry all afternoon, but I staved it off, and now here I am. I’m almost looking forward to tomorrow’s weigh-in

I really wish I could bottle up how I feel right now, and then sprinkle it over myself when I’m faced with free food. I really like how I feel when I don’t eat. Not in the ‘I only eat tomatoes and water until I die’ way, mind you. There is a clean, pure, disciplined feeling I have in my insides when I’m between meals, I know my stomach is empty, and I’m powering my way through the hours. I feel strong then. Really strong and in control of myself. That’s what I have to remember. No amount of peanut butter Twix will make me feel that way.

Despite 2 years of discipline, I still view food as reward, punishment, comforter and pimp. Not to mention the reason why I sometimes look like I’m smuggling scrambled eggs under my pants. So maybe in addition to writing down what I plan to eat each day , I should write down when. Maybe if I only eat when I’m ‘supposed’ to, I won’t be tempted to eat when I can. It’s worth a shot. And it might be just the thing I need to bring out those itty bitty shorts and not worry that my can is falling out of the back end.

A the S(icko)

734 words, but hey, I covered 2 days. I’m starting to get into the challenge of Getting My Idea Across Without Yammering Forever. So far, so good. But I’m not committing to anything until after next month’s PMS.

PS-773 words. Oops. Aw, who cares. At least I’m not eating.