Gluten for Punishment
My sick mind is a powerful being.
Three weeks ago, in what was an otherwise ordinary checkup, I heard both ‘you’re anemic’ and ‘symptoms suggestive of celiac disease’. Because I am so fond of overreacting, I decided to eliminate gluten from my diet immediately. Celiac disease can cut up to 10 years off of your life, and in 60% of adult cases, celiacs have no symptoms. Since it is very easy to ignore a disease that makes no noise, I decided on a preemptive attack. Cut out the amber waves and bring back the villi! My small intestines, my weakening bones and my teeny red blood cells would all celebrate with me.
This proved harder than I imagined. First of all, much like celiac disease, gluten is everywhere. A sticky protein substance found in wheat, barley and rye, it is literally the ‘glue’ that holds processed foods together. When not playing a poison on TV, it’s a great fiber source, a base for any kind of bread or baked good, and sometimes used as a dusting on conveyor belts to keep items clean. An instance of 5 parts per billion can be enough to cause a reaction, though, so in order for a food to get the prized gluten-free label, it must not only be gluten-free, but also be manufactured in plants that separate the celiac foods from the gluten-made.
Soy sauce has gluten in it. So does Cool Whip, reduced fat sour cream, and the calcium supplements I’m taking to overcome my early-onset bone thinning. Howard is still unemployed, so now is not the time to be tossing out good food or spending $12 for gluten-free “Cheerinos”. Ten extra years of life is worth it, though, and from what I can tell, there’s no downside to removing gluten from my diet. There’s more calories in corn-based items, but again, I’d rather be 2 pounds heavier than dead. So if it means I have my stir-fry without garnish, and with rice instead of couscous, then I’m ok to try it for a while.
Celiac Treatment #1: Destroy Everyone Else’s Vacation
We were in Florida that next week. My poor in-laws; uprooted from their routine whenever we come down and now I have to shoo away all flour-like entities from the kitchen. You can’t even cook on the same surface where a flour-dusted item once lay. Forget the fat-free fudge pudding, the Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers and those yummy tortillas we can only find in Florida. The grandparents were really cool about it, and in fact, the corn tortillas we had for lunch on the second day were way better than the flour tortillas I’d been eating for the last 2 years. But still, I felt supremely guilty.
Something happened. I started to feel really good. I had a couple of days where I ate too many prunes (to counteract my reduced fiber intake) and crimped up my inside for a while. And then I took my vitamins before breakfast one day, and all the nasties of empty stomach/gelatin capsules mélange struck me and I was decommissioned for about 3 hours. Seriously, don’t ever do that. I really thought I was going to do an Alien stomach eruption. But once I stopped trying to destroy myself, I felt great. The teenage skin that has never left my face or my shoulders cleared up. I had this feeling of thinness in my tummy that I never had, even at my lightest weight. I was pretty tired, but we’re more active in Florida than at home and I figured the iron deficiency was working against me as well. I slept more than I expected to, but when I was awake and not poisoning myself, I felt awesome. Maybe gluten-free was the path to high energy health.
Celiac Treatment #2: Go off-program to prove illness
Seven days into the new diet, I found out that you’re not supposed to go gluten-free until after the screening test. Apparently the telltale sign of a celiac is a high level of gluten antigens. So if you stop eating gluten, the antigens will go down and you’ll look healthy when you’re not. So with only 2 days left to the test I sprinkled a generous amount of wheat germ on my dinner and then had some more in my cool whip-topped fruit for dessert.
And then I had a reaction. Not a doubled-over, wailing in pain reaction, but my face got flushed and kind of prickly. I was warm all over, and I had jumbling noises in my abdomen into the night. By morning the redness had lessened, but it was still there, and when I put more wheat germ on my eggs, it came right back. Freaked out and horrified by my face, I didn’t do any more wheat germ that day. I figured 2 large doses and a skin reaction would be enough.
My doc told me it would be a week or more before the test results came back. But, as is usual in the case of this new dude, I had results in 2 days. I still have anemia, but it’s improving. My celiac screen was clear.
Clear that I have celiac? Well, no. All antigens came back negative. I do not have celiac.
So what was all that noise back there? Clearly my body reacted to something over the weekend.
Celiac Treatment #3: Be Sick Anyway
I had another reaction at lunch today. I ate a bit of the mayonnaise (has gluten) and now my stomach is upset. So either I’m a complete goon-head and am mucking up my own health in my brain, or I really do have celiac and I hosed up my initial opportunity to uncover it. They should biopsy the crazy part of my brain. Though there would be no point-clearly I’m certifiable. No reactions at all until Celiac was suggested; now they are everywhere. And I still think I’m diseased even though the test came back negative. Sometimes it’s just exhausting being me.
The only real determinant of celiac disease is the small intestine biopsy. Apparently the blood screening is good for confirming the disease but not particularly reliable for an unqualified yes, especially if the disease is mild to begin with. Up to 30% false negative, if, like other celiacs, I am abnormally low in a particular gluten antigen. So even if it’s elevated it would show normal or even negative. I talked to the specialist’s office and they are clearly skeptical. Looks like I might get the periscope-down-the-throat treatment after all. Not my idea of a good time, but hey, if they give me Versed, I won’t remember it. And then I’ll know for sure. No more Psycho Brain posing as Doctor Know-It-All.
Stay tuned. And ask Howard for his Garbanzo Bean and Sweet Potato waffle recipe. I know it sounds hurl-worthy, but they were really good.
A the C(ranial Celiac)
Three weeks ago, in what was an otherwise ordinary checkup, I heard both ‘you’re anemic’ and ‘symptoms suggestive of celiac disease’. Because I am so fond of overreacting, I decided to eliminate gluten from my diet immediately. Celiac disease can cut up to 10 years off of your life, and in 60% of adult cases, celiacs have no symptoms. Since it is very easy to ignore a disease that makes no noise, I decided on a preemptive attack. Cut out the amber waves and bring back the villi! My small intestines, my weakening bones and my teeny red blood cells would all celebrate with me.
This proved harder than I imagined. First of all, much like celiac disease, gluten is everywhere. A sticky protein substance found in wheat, barley and rye, it is literally the ‘glue’ that holds processed foods together. When not playing a poison on TV, it’s a great fiber source, a base for any kind of bread or baked good, and sometimes used as a dusting on conveyor belts to keep items clean. An instance of 5 parts per billion can be enough to cause a reaction, though, so in order for a food to get the prized gluten-free label, it must not only be gluten-free, but also be manufactured in plants that separate the celiac foods from the gluten-made.
Soy sauce has gluten in it. So does Cool Whip, reduced fat sour cream, and the calcium supplements I’m taking to overcome my early-onset bone thinning. Howard is still unemployed, so now is not the time to be tossing out good food or spending $12 for gluten-free “Cheerinos”. Ten extra years of life is worth it, though, and from what I can tell, there’s no downside to removing gluten from my diet. There’s more calories in corn-based items, but again, I’d rather be 2 pounds heavier than dead. So if it means I have my stir-fry without garnish, and with rice instead of couscous, then I’m ok to try it for a while.
Celiac Treatment #1: Destroy Everyone Else’s Vacation
We were in Florida that next week. My poor in-laws; uprooted from their routine whenever we come down and now I have to shoo away all flour-like entities from the kitchen. You can’t even cook on the same surface where a flour-dusted item once lay. Forget the fat-free fudge pudding, the Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers and those yummy tortillas we can only find in Florida. The grandparents were really cool about it, and in fact, the corn tortillas we had for lunch on the second day were way better than the flour tortillas I’d been eating for the last 2 years. But still, I felt supremely guilty.
Something happened. I started to feel really good. I had a couple of days where I ate too many prunes (to counteract my reduced fiber intake) and crimped up my inside for a while. And then I took my vitamins before breakfast one day, and all the nasties of empty stomach/gelatin capsules mélange struck me and I was decommissioned for about 3 hours. Seriously, don’t ever do that. I really thought I was going to do an Alien stomach eruption. But once I stopped trying to destroy myself, I felt great. The teenage skin that has never left my face or my shoulders cleared up. I had this feeling of thinness in my tummy that I never had, even at my lightest weight. I was pretty tired, but we’re more active in Florida than at home and I figured the iron deficiency was working against me as well. I slept more than I expected to, but when I was awake and not poisoning myself, I felt awesome. Maybe gluten-free was the path to high energy health.
Celiac Treatment #2: Go off-program to prove illness
Seven days into the new diet, I found out that you’re not supposed to go gluten-free until after the screening test. Apparently the telltale sign of a celiac is a high level of gluten antigens. So if you stop eating gluten, the antigens will go down and you’ll look healthy when you’re not. So with only 2 days left to the test I sprinkled a generous amount of wheat germ on my dinner and then had some more in my cool whip-topped fruit for dessert.
And then I had a reaction. Not a doubled-over, wailing in pain reaction, but my face got flushed and kind of prickly. I was warm all over, and I had jumbling noises in my abdomen into the night. By morning the redness had lessened, but it was still there, and when I put more wheat germ on my eggs, it came right back. Freaked out and horrified by my face, I didn’t do any more wheat germ that day. I figured 2 large doses and a skin reaction would be enough.
My doc told me it would be a week or more before the test results came back. But, as is usual in the case of this new dude, I had results in 2 days. I still have anemia, but it’s improving. My celiac screen was clear.
Clear that I have celiac? Well, no. All antigens came back negative. I do not have celiac.
So what was all that noise back there? Clearly my body reacted to something over the weekend.
Celiac Treatment #3: Be Sick Anyway
I had another reaction at lunch today. I ate a bit of the mayonnaise (has gluten) and now my stomach is upset. So either I’m a complete goon-head and am mucking up my own health in my brain, or I really do have celiac and I hosed up my initial opportunity to uncover it. They should biopsy the crazy part of my brain. Though there would be no point-clearly I’m certifiable. No reactions at all until Celiac was suggested; now they are everywhere. And I still think I’m diseased even though the test came back negative. Sometimes it’s just exhausting being me.
The only real determinant of celiac disease is the small intestine biopsy. Apparently the blood screening is good for confirming the disease but not particularly reliable for an unqualified yes, especially if the disease is mild to begin with. Up to 30% false negative, if, like other celiacs, I am abnormally low in a particular gluten antigen. So even if it’s elevated it would show normal or even negative. I talked to the specialist’s office and they are clearly skeptical. Looks like I might get the periscope-down-the-throat treatment after all. Not my idea of a good time, but hey, if they give me Versed, I won’t remember it. And then I’ll know for sure. No more Psycho Brain posing as Doctor Know-It-All.
Stay tuned. And ask Howard for his Garbanzo Bean and Sweet Potato waffle recipe. I know it sounds hurl-worthy, but they were really good.
A the C(ranial Celiac)
posted by Former Fat Girl Gone Skinny | 1:09 PM
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