I'm hyper-aware of time passing when I want something. Time passes slowly, and each day I look for The Reckoning and it isn't here, I am disappointed. I am setting myself up with these expectations  I am creating my own drama. Yuck.

Now, I'm waiting for the surgery to blast the kidney stone out of me. I don't know anything about the stone except its size. I want to know what its made of and how to prevent it from happening again. I want to know how to structure my diet. Right now, for all I know, I'm exacerbating the situation and stones are forming in both of my kidneys. Unnecessary worry. That's redundant. 

I'm also waiting for my weight to come down. I've been eating clean and mostly vegan since I've come home. I estimate that I've reduced my calorie intake by at least 600 calories a day, which should yield me 1.2 pounds of loss each week. Until yesterday, I was stuck at the weight I was when I came home from the hospital. That's less than what I weighed when I went in to the hospital, but I expected more to happen in 2 weeks. I expected to lose at least 5 pounds by now. Maybe more.

Both of these things kick up my blood pressure. Having high blood pressure irritates and frightens me until I'm steaming and, I expect, edging my blood pressure even higher. I am now making myself sick. And I'm feeling sorry for myself about it. How boring.

Let's work to remember how I regulated my vagus nerve before. I want to be back where things didn't bother me. I was calm, I was in charge of my emotions and I was happy. Now I'm angry and sad and scared and disappointed. Deep breathing, yoga, meditation--which, to me, are all the same. Exercise helps, I guess. Eating well helps, I suppose. But I don't see any results. Nothing. .No stress reduction, no weight loss, no normal blood pressure. And ranting about what all is irritating me isn't helping one bit 

Let it go? Forget it? Remember that I can only control my response to others. Remember that, and then practice it. No one matters but Kaden and me. People are slow and stupid and there is nothing I can do to change that. 

Work on it. This is important and it matters to me. My peace and my happiness matter to me. I matter to me. Other people don't matter to me. Stupid driving isn't important. Safe driving by me is important. I can't fix my surgery appointment without switching providers and even then, I'm not certain it would make the surgery earlier--or safer. I hate it, but that's the truth of it. I could change; I am choosing not to. I could drive peacefully, but I am choosing not to. Random people in cars care about themselves. They don't care about aggravating me. Only I do.