The Fat of Life

 Frustration.

I feel plenty more than that: anger, disappointment, impatience, fear, resignation. All of this, and I, am over the top with everything. Even writing about it, I'm using hyperbole. I can't get the fat out of my writing and I can't get the fat off of me. 

I've been a vegan-esque eater for a month. I came home from the hospital, terrified to eat anything. I found the "How Not to Die" book and I devoured it, replacing meat and salt with words and ideas. Crazy ideas such as "I can be healthy" and "I can lose weight whenever I want." I sound like an addict, in fitful denial over the facts of my situation. And now I am trampling on myself for...what? Having failed? Plateauing before I ever descended? Wanting to give up but too afraid to do it? Select all. I have slashed calories and fat from my diet and yet the scale remains resolutely hammered into place. Moreover, I must do everything I've been doing in order to maintain my weight. If I eat even the slightest bit of meat or sodium, I gain weight and my blood pressure rises. If I take a day off from my walk or my workout, my weight and my blood pressure rises. I've managed to make my ceiling into a floor, where I can move or budge anything downward. 

Today I considered that maybe I was still eating too much. I don't really know how many calories I'm eating and I don't measure my food regularly so I could easily be oversizing my portions and my intake with it. So today I ate only 1 lentil cake instead of 2 or 3. A few hours later I was hungry so I had 2 cups of blackberries with a single serving of yogurt. This afternoon I had some of the tropical fruit salad I'd made for the Mah Jongg party. When I got home, I had a single serving of rice & vegetable soup. Around 8pm, I got very hungry and I made myself some chips & cheese. I counted out the chips for a single serving and I used only a little bit of cheese but I ate it. So perhaps cutting back on servings and portions is the right path, but today was too far. I shouldn't be scrounging for food at the end of the day. We'll try again tomorrow. 

Looking at today's menu, it does look more like a normal person's daily intake than what I had yesterday. Need some beans and some greens. That should help with the evening hungries.