Size Matters

 As it turns out, size matters.

Frustrated from a month of no weight loss despite long walks and a turn-about in my diet, I gave up. I decided that there was no point in exercising since it wasn't helping. I stopped walking and I stopped going to the gym (I went exactly once). I sat in my recliner for a week and stewed. While I stewed, I decided to cut my food intake. Maybe I was eating too much of good things. After all, I still used oil to cook and carbs are carbs. I cut my calories drastically. For a day or two, I ate only fruits or vegetables and very little of them. I tracked my calories and I estimated about 1,000 calories a day. I was able to manage it during the day, but at night I was so hungry that I made a chips and cheese plate for myself. The chips are low sodium and I was careful to use only a bit of cheese. It was delicious and it seemed to satisfy me so I kept it up. Over the next few days, the chips pile got larger and the cheese got deeper. By Friday, I was eating peanut butter on bread and feeling uncomfortably full. 

So I stopped overeating and I'm pleased to say that I was able to turn the switch off. I shopped for food on Saturday and there wasn't any chips or cheese in my cart. Saturday I had a day that I thought was a good representation of a day's eating. I see that rice and beans need to be moderated and I should include a large salad in my diet every day. I made sure to eat a hefty dinner so I wouldn't be hungry at night. I was anyway, but I staved it off. Today I made Vietnamese Fao (delicious and needs more noodles), which, along with Chana Masala and Tempeh Tacos, are my menu plan for the week. I bought some brussels so I could have cruciferous vegetables and some blackberries that I'm eating with oatmeal. The oatmeal is no brown sugar delight but the berries make it better. And I wanted something different for breakfast other than yogurt so here we are. 

My blood pressure has gone up in the week I stopped exercising. That is motivating. I hate taking blood pressure medication and I have fantasies of telling my doctor off when I go in for my next physical. But today it crept up into the 140s and even my diastolic is registering at or near 80. The tile guy is here so I haven't gone for my walk yet. I'm hoping to do it once the guy leaves. 

So now that I have my diet adjusted, I'm adding the exercise back in. Now is the time to maintain the data collection. Now is the time to keep my eyes on the data and away from the emotion of disliking how I look. I don't have negative thoughts: I have thoughts I'm interpreting as negative. I'm not even going to be in anticipation of the data. I'm just going to collect and observe. 

Portions matter. The size of the food eaten, matters. Now let's see if adding exercise matters. Well, no. Of course it matters. Let's see if adding exercise helps me to lose weight. 

The Fat of Life

 Frustration.

I feel plenty more than that: anger, disappointment, impatience, fear, resignation. All of this, and I, am over the top with everything. Even writing about it, I'm using hyperbole. I can't get the fat out of my writing and I can't get the fat off of me. 

I've been a vegan-esque eater for a month. I came home from the hospital, terrified to eat anything. I found the "How Not to Die" book and I devoured it, replacing meat and salt with words and ideas. Crazy ideas such as "I can be healthy" and "I can lose weight whenever I want." I sound like an addict, in fitful denial over the facts of my situation. And now I am trampling on myself for...what? Having failed? Plateauing before I ever descended? Wanting to give up but too afraid to do it? Select all. I have slashed calories and fat from my diet and yet the scale remains resolutely hammered into place. Moreover, I must do everything I've been doing in order to maintain my weight. If I eat even the slightest bit of meat or sodium, I gain weight and my blood pressure rises. If I take a day off from my walk or my workout, my weight and my blood pressure rises. I've managed to make my ceiling into a floor, where I can move or budge anything downward. 

Today I considered that maybe I was still eating too much. I don't really know how many calories I'm eating and I don't measure my food regularly so I could easily be oversizing my portions and my intake with it. So today I ate only 1 lentil cake instead of 2 or 3. A few hours later I was hungry so I had 2 cups of blackberries with a single serving of yogurt. This afternoon I had some of the tropical fruit salad I'd made for the Mah Jongg party. When I got home, I had a single serving of rice & vegetable soup. Around 8pm, I got very hungry and I made myself some chips & cheese. I counted out the chips for a single serving and I used only a little bit of cheese but I ate it. So perhaps cutting back on servings and portions is the right path, but today was too far. I shouldn't be scrounging for food at the end of the day. We'll try again tomorrow. 

Looking at today's menu, it does look more like a normal person's daily intake than what I had yesterday. Need some beans and some greens. That should help with the evening hungries.